Melissa Auf der Maur, 90s Grunge Icon, Spills Her Guts on Courtney Love, Orgasms, and More in Rockstar Memoir

Just two pages into Melissa Auf der Maur’s ‘90s memoir Even the Good Girls Will Cry, I was immediately transported back to September 28, 1994. It was my first time seeing Hole in concert, and a night that would change my entire trajectory.

While just a teenager, I recall every detail like it just happened. The zillions of girl fans clad in vintage babydoll dresses, gushing over Courtney Love. The pushing and shoving to get a spot close to the stage. And then, the moment I first laid eyes on Auf der Maur, striding onstage with her bass, along with Hole bandmates Patti Schmel and Eric Erlandson.

Immediately, I was awestruck by Auf der Maur’s youthful beauty. She possessed a childlike, cherubic sweetness, with her pre-shrunken tee and tiny plastic barrettes — the must-have accessory of the kinderwhore fashion subculture — fastened to her long, curly red hair. As Love launched into the opening guitar riff of “Plump,” I entered into an ecstatic state I’d never experienced at a live show. 

Little did I know that Auf der Maur had only been playing with Hole for about four weeks at that point, which I learned in the first chapter of her memoir. 

It’s hard to believe that just a few months earlier, our heroine was simply biding her time as an art student in Montreal, immersed in the city’s eclectic local music scene. This is just one of the reasons why her story, told beautifully through about 400 pages, resonates so deeply. 

Auf der Maur’s path to fame is an unlikely story of luck, love, and perfect timing. The short version begins in the summer of 1991, when Smashing Pumpkins was on tour and happened to be on the bill at a small Montreal nightclub where Melissa worked. As the Pumpkins played their song “I Am One,” Auf der Maur’s roommate threw a beer bottle at Corgan’s guitar, prompting Corgan to jump off the stage and physically confront him. She later apologized on his behalf, and the two struck up a conversation. 

[SEE RELATED: Courtney Love, Rockmommy, Inspired Me to Pick Up a Guitar]

Nothing else happened that night, but that meeting planted an important seed. 

Corgan and Auf der Maur stayed in touch for the next few years; as Smashing Pumpkins skyrocketed to fame, Auf der Maur started playing electric bass in a band called Tinker, which opened for the Pumpkins in 1993. Then, tragedy struck, with the deaths of Kurt Cobain and Hole’s bassist Kristin Pfaff, in the first half of 1994. 

Love needed a bassist for Hole, and Corgan knew a good one from Montreal. The rest, as they say, is history. 

Auf der Maur’s self awareness throughout her novel is refreshing. She acknowledges the incredible luck of being in the right place at the right time. That luck carried her through five years with Hole, and then one intense year with Smashing Pumpkins, and toward her romance with Dave Grohl. 

Between stories of her almost immaculate conception — a one-night stand between her feminist mom and affable, flawed journalist dad — to the moment she met “fearless widow” Love, Auf der Maur’s memoir is so good that I didn’t want to finish it. 

And truthfully, it’s a lot closer to the version of ‘90s that I experienced than other notable ‘90s-era tales, like the Love Story miniseries. 

I spent the ’90s combing through racks of slip dresses at thrift stores with my best friends, dyeing my hair every hue of the rainbow. We cranked up albums by Hole and Babes in Toyland, occasionally alternating those CDs with goth, new age, and alternative pop bands. We lived for cute boys, cute girls, and rock bands at dingy nightclubs. I’d forgotten about these activities until Auf der Maur reminded me of them, because they were some of her favorite things to do, too.  

It’s almost impossible to pinpoint my favorite chapter in Auf der Maur’s memoir, but five things stood out: 

• Her passionate and fierce defense of Courtney Love, in light of constant criticism and sexist hate levied against her 
• Her acute, yet disturbing, observations of heroin drug culture normalization among musicians and roadies
• Her tales of random celebrity run-ins and unlikely friendships, and (yes) her romance with Dave Grohl, the first man to ever give her an orgasm (who knew?!)
• Her recollection of learning the bass and discovering it was her instrument
• All of the Corgan encounters, from the moment she met him in Montreal to the moment he declared “the stars have aligned” and asked her to join Smashing Pumpkins in 1999. 

Honestly, I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil this memoir. I recommend reading it slowly, if you haven’t gobbled it up already. Take it to the beach with a mug of coffee. Talk about it with friends. Listen to the audiobook on a long road trip. Just experience all of its Gen X teen angst glory. 

As the time between now and the ‘90s stretches further, I realize what a bittersweet gift nostalgia is. I’m so grateful Auf der Maur, our sweet grunge heroine who is now a wife and mother, wrote this book. It almost feels like it was written exclusively for me.